KERES rewrite

So I've come to the conclusion that...

In the article I mentioned earlier, it references Hills Like White Elephants, where Hemmingway tells the story from the point of a random eavesdropper in this conversation between a man and a woman. I've read the story. It makes the action very distant and that's kind of what I'm going for. So I tried to re-write chapter one by having it from the point of view of an eavesdropper, but without actually making it a real character. It's like omniscient without actually getting into anyone's thoughts. The narrator can see and hear everything, even smell, but can't know anything else. What is that called? Empirical? Anyway, it's more concise and I think it's working for the time being.

Chapter One

The sky was blue this morning. The plane smelled of moist towelettes and recycled meningitis. Some of the airline staff helped passengers store their carry-ons in overhead bins. And a thirty-something year old Asian man was shouting obscenities at the stewardess.

“Mr. Stipes, if you don’t take your seat and fasten your safety belt, I’m going to have to call security and have them escort you off this flight.”

The man pointed a finger in the stewardess’ face. “No, you don’t understand, lady. This plane is not taking off because I have a student still missing.”

“The airport will make sure she’s on the next flight to Utah as soon as she arrives.”

“Listen here, I am the teacher of, and therefore am legally responsible for, these six students. If they are not all in my field of vision, I go to jail, okay? Do you want that burden hanging over you? No! I didn’t think so, so let me do whatever I goddamn please.”

“Duke, catch.” It was the voice of a teenage girl. She was a simple creature, eyes bugging from under her glasses lenses, chin disappearing into her neck. She tossed the angry man a cell phone.

Duke Stipes put the phone up to his ear. “What?”

The stewardess reached for the phone, but Duke pivoted out of reach listening to a voice on the other end. “Sir,” she said. “The use of electronic devices on this flight is…”

“Shhh.” He held a shushing finger to her and waited for the wailing on the other end to cease. “Grounded my ass! Your mother does not understand the importance of a soprano part in a jazz band with a statewide reputation. Hey!”

The stewardess had swiped the mobile phone from Duke’s grip. “Take a seat, sir.”

Duke plopped down in his chair, buckled, and put his hand out palm up.

“I’ll return this at the end of the flight.” She stalked off.

“Hey!” Duke began to pull at his seat belt as though ready to tackle her, but he couldn’t manage to get it done in time. “Goddamn it.”

“Way to go,” said the girl with the glasses. “That’s my phone.”

“You’re promoted to soprano, Keys.”

The girl, Keys, snarled. “I don’t sing.”

“You do now.” He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes. Only seconds later, he banged his hands on the arm rests. “Hey, let’s get this plane in the air!”

Between Duke and Keys were two things. The aisle. And another teenage girl. This one was something gentler to look at, almost sacred. Soft lines defined a small nose, watery eyes, and lips more mature than she. She scooted down in her seat and blinked at Duke. Then she reached into the backpack held between her ankles and pulled out a small novel. In the time it took her to get through the first five pages or so, someone had stifled Duke with an alcoholic beverage. A couple pages later, the plane lifted off the earth’s surface. A few dozen pages after that, the clouds had fallen away, leaving only sky. By the time the book had exhausted her attention, the plane’s wheels were skidding across the runway in Utah.

In other news, I've completely changed up my website (simple-assault.com) by moving all my pictures off the actual site and onto free photo albums. Check it out.
http://simpleassault.myphotoalbum.com/albums.php