Here’s a list of some productive criticism that I’ve gotten for Riff that I need to take into account on my second pass…
Positive feedback:
Sticks in the mind
Easy to keep reading
Strong mood and storyline
Good first sentence
1st person narrative allows reader to catch breath
Good descriptions of characters and places
Parallel storylines weren’t confusing
Shows research went into the project
The wrong brother twist was unexpected
Things to fix:
The word violacious appears in the second sentence of the novel. Too confusing? Spell-check doesn’t like it. Get rid of it all together or find a synonym?
Needs more backstory.
Chapter 1 – moving from Matthew’s bunkmate to Janek’s roommate is confusing.
Needs more time with 1st person narrator. Her epiphany comes too quickly. More internal dialogue. How does she reach her conclusion?
You probably can’t unembalm a person like that without collapsing veins.
Explain better that the chicken farm is not slave labor. Many people in Thailand have chickens in their backyard.
More background with Matthew’s relationship to his brother.
Wintry’s fate doesn’t seem deserved.
Leonard’s identity was guessed from the beginning.
Hell’s souls are either crowded or absent – why? (because they all go to the ring they’re supposed to end up in)
Too much vomit.
Missed Truick’s intent for pushing the angel.
Must add thing about how Truick’s watch stops (my memo).
Wintry was too whiny in the end to make the reader care about her and too pathetic in the beginning.
Maybe make Wintry’s ‘turn’ on Leonard slower. At first she might try to convince him that he’s confused, but then her anger starts slower. Need to go a little further with the blood thing though, I think.
Coins on the eyes of the dead is a Roman tradition, not African.
Make the mental pull of Satan on Wintry stronger. (also get rid of "fortunately" in that scene)
Fix that confusing bit about how they got into the circus wagon.
What in the world is Sara-Jayne doing during the time Leonard is trying to help Janek?
Wintry breaks down one too many times.
What does the facade feel like? Does it tingle? Hurt? Warmth? Icy?
Make Heaven more Heavenly. Add animals. Some souls weighed down by evil, dragged down, take refuge in bodies, rejoice in being able to view reality for a short peroid. Other souls, pure and light, whip around Heaven.
2. Editing -- Haven
I haven't looked at it in a while, but I bet, despite how perfect I thought it was 1.5 years ago, it could probably do with another draft. One thing I thought I should do is change the first section (with the movie) to be more poetic than clinical because it's being told from the perspective of a poet. Also, it would make the agent like it better from the start. Right now, you have to fight your way past that part, not realizing it's a movie until the second page.
3. Drawings
I'm still working with the paintbrush tool in PS. Haven't quite reached the quality I want, but here's another practice of Sam Vimes from Terry Pratchett's Discworld.
4. Scrapblog
I found this cool site called Scrapblog, which I invented in my head a loooooong time ago, but I'm glad there's a free and sharable (sp?) one on the internet. It has some bugs, like it didn't let me save after 30 pages and such, but here are two examples.
My sketchbook:
http://www.scrapblog.com/viewer/vw_full.aspx?sbid=164892
Bowling Shoes and Murder picture book:
http://www.scrapblog.com/viewer/vw_full.aspx?sbid=166051
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